Outrageously senseless...

Friday,December 14th will be one of those days we will never forget.  For me, what had happened didn't really sink in until later that day.  When I first heard the news about the shootings in Newtown, Connecticut it was just back ground noise associated with any other radio commercial I heard that day while working in my office.  Then, later that morning,the radio program of Christmas music I was listening to was interrupted again with the news that a gunman had entered a school in Connecticut.  Again, I just kind of mentally brushed it aside since it didn't immediately affect me. This was in Connecticut - I'm in Tennessee. It did not make my "worry meter" go up since I knew my child was safely sitting in her high school classes just down the street.  It really did not affect me. I was busy going about my day, engrossed in my normal everyday life... No surprises...no worries.

Later that day, as I was running some errands, I heard the news again... "at least 20 confirmed dead, some of them kindergarten children..." At that very moment, I felt this huge pit open in my stomach and a wave of emotion come over me as the reality of what had just happened that morning entered my world.  Five and six year old children...No God! Not that!

That evening, I made it home and was relieved to see my daughter on the couch watching TV, just as she always does at the end of the day.  My wife came in and I said to her, "have you heard the news today?".  She had a sad look came over her face. She too had been able to put the horrific event out of her mind just before I had reminded her. We looked at each other and just hugged each other.  Our thoughts were on the parents in Newtown... How can they go on...how can they survive?

Our daughter was soon out the door to go to dinner with some friends, as teenagers normally do.  I doubt she felt or knew the panic I was feeling when I said my usual, "be careful, and call us when you get there."  "I will" she said in her usual exasperated tone.  Life was normal here in Tennessee.

We had no big plans for our evening. We ordered a pizza and watched the evening news as we waited. As we heard the reality of the horrific events as we listened silently to the reporters tell what they knew. We held each other's hands as we tried to hold back tears and an urge to sob uncontrollably.  Part of me wanted to get in the car and drive to Connecticut just to "do something". The other part of me wanted to run the other way to escape the flood of emotions and avoid seeing people in shear agony as the found out about their precious ones.  It was a feeling of helplessness, empathy,sympathy, anger and grief all rolled into one.

Sunday came and I went to serve at my Church as I usually do.  We offered prayers for the victims and their families during our regular Sunday Eucharist at St. Christopher's.  Our priest, The Rev. Maggie Zeller, attempted offer some words of comfort in her sermon, but she knew, as did everyone there Sunday, there are no words that can comfort. During our early service, I attempted to read the list of names, the list of young children and their teachers, during our prayers of the people. But as I started the list, I began to sob... Maggie had to finish reading the names.  I managed to get through the names in our second service, but not without a trembling voice and tears rolling down my face...

For the past few days all that has been going through my head are thoughts of terrified children and their parents helpless to protect them. And the only response that I can come up with is, "God help them... please!". But even those thoughts and words seem so inadequate. And the truth be known, there are probably no words that will bring any genuine comfort or hope.  All we are left with are our prayers. Prayers to God...but how could he let this happen!?  There are no answers...

The next few days and weeks are going to bombard us with the unthinkable images of tiny caskets and parents with inconsolable grief. The raw emotions will be unbearable at times. Our Christmas celebrations will go on as usual here in Tennessee as it will across the rest of the world.  In Newtown, Connecticut,Christmas and Hanukkah will never be the same. There is no joy, only intense sadness. It is all so outrageously senseless...

Our impulse is to begin looking for reasons as to why this happened.  We want to find someone or something to blame.  We want to know who could have stopped this... Why wasn't anyone warned about Adam Lanza!? Didn't they know he was dangerous!?   Then, why would a loving God that is supposed to protect little children let something like this happen!? Again no answers... The outrage we feel consumes us.

In these few days that the events of Friday have weighed so heavy on my heart and mind, I have come to understand that there will never really be any real explanation that is satisfying. No, I don't think this is part of "God's plan".  I just don't believe God works that way; not the loving God I know.  I have however come to realization that despite my rationalizations, there is truly evil that lurks in the world.  It is hard for me to understand and there is very little I can do to stop it.    Sure I could start a campaign to improve gun control laws or even have guns outlawed. But that would probably only cause more divisiveness.   My anger and outrage I have to give to God; he can handle it. The only reasonable response seems to be one of love and compassion; to love those around me.  Laugh when there is joy…Cry when there is sadness…Be present when there is loneliness.

I know that I will be of little help in providing comfort to the people of Newtown.  But what I can do is to continue to hold close those around me and pay attention to the little thingswe take for granted. I can cherish my wife and family and all the other gifts that God has given me. I can try and show patience with my daughter as she grows into adulthood.  I can help someone that needs some help.   I can be kind to strangers even when they are getting on my last nerve as I make my way through the shopping malls.  I can slow down and notice the little things that matter the most. The little things like time together with family and friends. Enjoying the sunsets, snowy days, and rainy days...Laughing at the silly things our cats do...Band concerts and children'splays...Enjoying the taste of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or pancakes on a Saturday morning... Driving through neighborhoods and looking at the tacky Christmas lights... But most of all being grateful for life that is so very fragile and with us for just a moment.

My brothers and sisters in Newtown, Connecticut are facing the darkest days of their lives.My prayers and hope is that they can find peace and comfort someway, somehow,someday... In the mean time we will cry with them from a distance and offer up our prayers for their healing.  May the children and teachers rest in peace...

Most merciful God, whose wisdom is beyond our understanding: Deal graciously with all the people of Newtown, Connecticut in their grief. Surround them with your love, that they may not be overwhelmed by their loss, but have confidence in your goodness, and strength to meet the days to come; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

The Confusion of Blessings

When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up the mountain; and after he sat down, his disciples came to him. Then he began to speak, and taught them, saying:"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. "Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matt. 5:1-12)

When I was in grade school, I remember a science experiment we did when we were learning how our senses of taste and smell work.  As we all know, our sense of taste and smell are very much tied together.  In addition to our senses of taste and smell, our vision plays a big part in how we taste and smell things.   We know this experience all too well.  It happens every day with the hamburger and pizza commercials we watch on television or see on billboards.  In fact as I am writing this, I am watching bits and pieces of the Food Network.  My wife is making “ummm” noises as we see the delectable looking foods they are preparing.  Neither one of us can smell or taste the food we see on the television, but we can imagine the taste and smell of that food all too well.

The taste experiment I remember from grade school was for us to be blindfolded and given different foods to feel, smell and taste, then guess what they were. Some foods we could identify right away because of their texture, smell and taste.  Peanut butter on a spoon was a no-brainer…

Then the teacher brought out a tray with several bottles with droppers in them.  Some of the liquids in the bottles were colorless and others were colored in bright primary colors of blue, red, purple, green and yellow.  Without being blindfolded, our teacher would put a drop of the liquid on our fingers to taste and we would have to then guess what the flavor might be.  This was much more difficult than it would seem, especially since some of the colored liquids did not match up to the flavors… banana flavor in the blue liquid, cherry flavor in the green liquid… lemon in the purple, etc.  It just did not match up… it confused our senses and the way of thinking about what we were tasting.  What we knew in our heads did not match what we were seeing and experiencing…

The Sermon on the Mount (Matthew chapters 5-7) that we began reading today in our lectionary, are some of the most endearing and well known sayings of Jesus in the whole New Testament.  Our readings from this 5^th Sunday after the Epiphany (Matthew 5: 1-12) are what are known as “the Beatitudes.”  They are seemingly comforting words. However, if we are to really push ourselves and think about these words in the context of our own experiences in the world, it could be like my experience with the flavors in the dropper bottles.  One can come away feeling confused and challenged about how we normally perceive things in our own life experiences; especially what it means to be or feel blessed.

This account of Jesus ministry appears in both Matthew and Luke.  Some biblical scholars speak of “The Beatitudes” as a poem. This is because when the passage read as it would been spoken in ancient Aramaic,  there is a rhythm and rhyme quality to the words that Our Lord used. These words are so very familiar to us.  If you go into any card shop and stroll through the inspirational sections, you are guaranteed to find these words inside a large number of the cards.  On the surface they seem to bring comfort.

But one of the things that can manage to slip past us about these familiar words, is how radical they really are.  You see for that day and time, and even in our own, to be considered blessed for having some sort of hardship or malady is just absurd.  In the original Greek , in which the New Testament was first written, the word “blessed” come from the Greek word  “makario” which means to be happy. So when thinking about this meaning of the word blessed or to be happy, the words of  The Beatitudes seem confusing.  It would make much sense for us to say I am blessed because my (401)K is doing well… or I am blessed because my house is nice and has not been foreclosed…  It is would be more likely for us to say that I am blessed because I have a job and got a raise this year…  We are blessed because we have an unlimited amount of food and clean drinking water available to us…

What we would NOT say is exactly what Jesus DID say. We would not say,  “I am blessed because I am struggling with depression” … we would not say, “I am blessed because I am consumed with grief”… we would not say,  the people living under political oppression and abuse are blessed; nor would they say that of themselves…

Most of us have experienced the pain of grief and/or  feelings of uncertainty that life tends to hand us over time.  And when we are in the very midst of those painful times of grief and uncertainty, these words feel audacious and somewhat insulting… “Blessed are those who mourn…?”  “Blessed are the poor in spirit…?”  “Blessed are the persecuted?”

Two weeks ago, we all were horrified as we heard the news of the crazed gunman in Tucson taking the lives of innocent people and injuring so many others.  As I watched little Christina Green’s funeral I asked “why?!”  I experienced a sense of outrage that someone could do such meaningless act of violence… there was no point to it… there was no blessing in that!

For us to find blessing in the hardships of life is just as confusing to our senses as those little bottles of flavors my school teacher brought out to us.  It is confusing to hear Jesus say that when we suffer it is a blessing.  If you are like me, I have a hard time buying into that idea.

Nonetheless, in my own life’s experiences, I know for sure I have received the blessings of others when life has been most difficult.  My wife’s diagnosis of breast cancer is not what I consider a blessing; Christina Green’s unnecessary death is not a blessing… people losing their jobs and having their homes taken away as a result of greed is not a blessing… people suffering from the results of natural disasters or wars is not a blessing…

But people sending cards and offering meals during a time of uncertainty and recover, that is a blessing… a community rallying around a mother and father overcome by grief, that is a blessing…  friends and families giving another family without a home or a job a place to stay, that is a blessing… giving disaster relief and sending food to those torn into by wars and disasters, that is a blessing…  Offering up to God in prayer those that we despise … that is a blessing…

The kingdom of God is all around us. Like the flavors in the dropper bottles, sometimes what we think we know in our heads about God and life’s challenges just do not match up.  You see, blessings never come from what you have nor the privileges we are given… blessings never come from the situation you are in… there is no blessing to grief and hardships.  The blessings come from what is given to us by others during our tough times… And the blessings also come when we reach out to each other during those times when we are most vulnerable.  That, my friends, is the Kingdom of God… that is when Christ becomes incarnate…